As everyone else is celebrating the birth of our nation. I and my family will be mourning the loss of a loved one. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day my bonus* son was killed in a head on car crash just 3 weeks shy of his 18th birthday. Earlier in the year, I had to endure the amputation of my favorite dog's leg after having watched her being hit by a truck. While that experience didn't compare, it seemed to set the tone for 2013. 2013 was the worst year of my life.
But I made it through. My family has made it through. In some ways, we are stronger for the experiences. In others, there is still a large piece of us that is missing and it always will be.
For a couple of weeks, I've been thinking of ways I could honor Brad on the day everyone else is enjoying fireworks. I still don't know what is the right way to do that. What I do know, is that I've learned a lot over the last 18 months. I've learned a lot about others and even more about myself. And, if I can do nothing else, I can share some of what I've learned in an attempt to continue to seek meaning and purpose from these experiences because our time is short. Sometimes too short.
Lessons I've learned in the past year.
- Never wonder how it could get any worse. It can. (See #4).
- It's OK to ask for help when you really need it. In fact, people really want to know how they can help.
- Being a "step" mom doesn't make it hurt any less.
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- People will sometimes say the dumbest things but they almost always mean well.
- Never take for granted that you know someone. You often don't know the most important things until they are gone.
- Saying, "I don't know what to say," is better than not saying anything.
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- It's OK to be vulnerable.
- Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just breathe. The moment will pass. It might take a month and it might come back, but it will pass.
- No one's experience is quite like yours. Don't assume they are the same or that one is any better or worse than the other.
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- When you have a purpose, it makes things easier. Sometimes you won't know what that purpose is until you've unwrapped the ugly paper.
- The world goes on, with or without you.
- It's OK to laugh and it's OK to cry and you don't have to say you are sorry.
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Image courtesy of www.thethingswesay.com - Life is easier when you are with loved ones.
- I have some amazing gifts to give.
- You can't just CHOOSE to be OK, you have to let yourself feel what you feel.
- I'm going to be OK.
I'm sad. I will continue to be. But I'm OK. I only sometimes break down in tears and the most random of moments any more. Usually, it's when I'm sharing my story and hoping it helps someone else. I know that it isn't any good to hope that no one ever has to go through the pain we have experienced. Instead, I will hope that I can be there for them when they need me and that I can help others to be there for their loved ones when they are most needed. I hope that I can help people to never risk regret. That kind of regret that says "I coulda, I shoulda, I woulda if only there had been more time." There's never enough time. All we can do is make the most of the time we have right now.
So here's my biggest lesson this past year.
21.
If you have not yet heard my story, please consider watching it now.
It would truly be an honor if you would consider sharing this post with someone.
Maybe my experience can be helpful to them.
And if you would be so kind, share one of your favorite life lessons in the comments below.
*Bonus Son - I've never liked the term step son so I have always called my husband's son my bonus.
Nicole Bandes
Having successfully helped hundreds of business leaders stop feeling overwhelmed and out of control so that they have time to achieve that "one more thing" that will make all the difference, Nicole's clients often tell her that she has the magical ability to create time where it didn't exist before.
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What beautiful lessons you have learned. Im so so sorry for you and your family’s loss, I cant even imagine how difficult it must be.
Thank You for sharing! Xoxo
Thank you so much for your kind words. And you are most welcome for sharing.
A beautifully written piece, Nicole.
Thank you Andrea.
Thank you for your post.. It brought tears to my eyes.. I lost my bonus son April 2013… Your post really touched me..
Don’t focus on what’s wrong. Things may not be perfect, but be grateful for the opportunity to experience each day. Live each day like it could be your last.
— Joel Osteen
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences Nicole. You are going to be able to help so many people by sharing your story. I’ll be thinking of you and your family tomorrow and will send positive, healing thoughts xo
SOC#5565
I would like to share this thought- The memories become more cherished with time. The spot that my loved ones held is reserved only for them–17 years later.
Thanks for offering a space to express this feeling.
Be blessed as you have blessed others.
You and your family remain in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing that lesson!
Thank you Anita.
I’m so sorry, Nicole. Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote.
NICOLE,
As I have watched you over the years, I admire the strength and courage you have shown. Thank you for sharing your good times, your hard times, and most of all, your bonus son with us. You are one beautiful soul who shines bright in our lives. Although the day may be sad in ways, I hope the wonderful memories will give you comfort as well. Blessings and light for your family.
I too just buried a “Bonus Son” the other day due to a sudden illness and one of the important lessons that this event has taught me is don’t hold grudges! If something was said and or done to you,clear the air if possible, if not be the bigger person and let it go! As the old cliche goes “life is too short”, do not waist it on silly misunderstandings or something that was said in anger. The son we just lost did not have a mean bone in his body and he was a testament to us all to live and love everyone as if it were the your last day with them. Thank you Andrew for this valuable lesson. All my Love your Bonus Mom
Thank you! Our family is going through some struggles at the moment. Your words are comforting and very much appreciated. I will pay it forward!
Nicole,
I’m very touched with your words, strength and courage to share your feelings amongst us.
You are a true attribute to many and many these days for sure. You are an Angel as you have a huge heart and are blessing people every second I’m sure.
I also remember when I lost my sister suddenly in January you reached out to me and said you were there for me. I haven’t forgotten that. Anytime you want to get together I’m certainly available k? Hugs to you and family.
Thank you for sharing Nicole. After loosing my mother 3 years ago to cancer, I have learned to let go of the anger and be grateful that she is no longer in pain.
Nicole, my heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a pet or watching them in pain, much less losing a child. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy.<3
I also lost a child my daughter who was 16 and the love of my life. And it was in 2004 and it still hurts today just as much as the day it happened and I wish I could see her just one more time. But for now that isn’t possible. So what I can tell everyone is never go to bed mad and always tell everyone you love them as one day you might not have the chance to.